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Its a Fair carp
Her Indoors went to the local fair the other night and returned clutching a plastic bag with a fish swimming around in it. She said she'd won it on one of the stalls to brighten up the Dodgi office. She has even called it Fergal. I'll have to watch her if she ever decides to go abroad though, particularly after a woman was arrested the other day after customs officers heard 'flapping' noises coming from her waist area. She had smuggled in 40 tropical fish in plastic bags using a specially made skirt. I'd heard of flying fish before, but that was flaming ridiculous.
Smarty Pants
I've always know that Trev and Shirl are a lazy bunch of good-for-nothings, and now I have proof. Without telling them, I swapped their underwear (don't ask me how) for a pair of GPS-enabled smart pants to track their location. So when they were supposedly stuck in traffic after meetings with an audiovisual vendor last week, I knew they were actually supping away in the Dog and Duck. Cheek of it, now where is my P45 template?
Brain Wave
Technology continues to amaze me. Swiss scientists are planning to develop a three-dimensional model of the human brain using IBM's Blue Gene supercomputer. Once they have a full working model of the brain, they are hoping to be able to understand processes like thought, perception and memory. I would like to see them map Trev's brain – it would only take them a couple of minutes – I don't call him the human dinosaur for nothing. Mind you, most dinosaur's brains were at least the size of a walnut, his is only the size of a pea, and a mushy one at that.
Pac It In
When Dodgi started up, reselling Pacman was one of our biggest revenue generators. However, until now, the line had died-out. But a load of boffins at a Singapore university have developed a human version, superimposing the virtual 3D game world onto real streets and buildings. I'm going to let them know that Her Indoors is available for promotional campaigns if they need a real-life round thing to walk around eating all that gets in her way. She is also the right colour after a disastrous encounter with some fake tan.
Out of the closet
Knowing how often Dave Jnr and Her Indoors are prone to 'accidents' when we set out in the family motor – they blame my driving, but I blame the fact that they are constantly eating and drinking – I recently bought 200 in-car toilets off a bloke in the Dog and Duck. The idea is great, and I figure loads of people will want to haul around a waste collection unit that's powered by a fag lighter. After all, I've lived with one for more than 20 years now.
You're fired
I always thought text messages were for teenagers, but it seems I am mistaken. The manager of a Romanian football team was recently sacked by text message. Lucian Popa, coach of third-division side ASA Targu Mures, was expecting congratulations from the club president as the team was about to be promoted, but the text message read: "As of tomorrow we are giving up on you. Your attitude has been bothering us and it would be better if we went our separate ways." Popa said he should at least have been sacked in a phone call. Not only is it cowardly to sack someone by text message, but personally I prefer the satisfaction of seeing Trev's face when I sack him every week.
Naked ambition
I've been thinking of expanding into eastern Europe for some time now (well, if it's good enough for Ingram…) but I'm starting to have second thoughts. A businessman in the Ukraine, who I'm sure works in IT, was arrested after he took off his suit in the middle of a busy street and lay down to sunbathe. He stripped down to his underpants and placed his neatly folded suit beside him while he soaked up the rays. He told police that the weather was simply too nice to do any work. You wouldn't catch me doing that in Dagenham. You never know who or what you might pick up.
Bluespace blues
This is the last time I let Trev and Shirl go anywhere near the IBM's Bluespace exhibition in New York. They came back recently lugging a desk that projects calming images onto a wall, an Instant Messenger-style office chair and a movement-activated computer. I've told them that if they want to avoid having these items deducted from their wages, they'd better sell them on at hugely inflated prices.
