Naming and shaming
Our Gord attended a sales conference recently and ended up spending an informative night on the tiles with a ragtag bunch of media types.
As the booze flowed and tongues loosened, he found out that one hack's name was chosen by his mother on the basis that it sounded good prefixed by the word 'Sir'. It also transpired that one channel public relations guru decided to pick their own middle name after 18 unhappy years without one.
And one journo, (who was otherwise faultlessly charming - and rakishly handsome to boot), did his best to alienate the rest of Europe's channel press by continually half-inching their drinks. (An honest mistake, I'm sure.)
Fortunately, Gordon assures me he conducted himself throughout the evening in a demure and self-effacing manner. And, in unrelated news, last week I sighted pigs happily flying over Dagenham Dock.
On the press
In my dealings with the press I make every effort to present myself and my business as consummately professional.
But my CRN buddies inform me there have been a couple of channel personalities that showcased a little of the industry's bawdier side this week.
One of my hack pals was sharing a coffee with a vendor executive when the chap trailed off in mid-sentence while detailing their channel strategy. A glassy-eyed look came over him as he gazed out the window.
"Sorry," he explained. "I was distracted by a great bit of totty."
Another journo told me of a reseller boss who recently combined drinking several glasses of wine (at once) with conducting a media interview. And giggling. Who says women are the only ones who can multi-task?
Santa's cyber-struggles
Resale monolith PC World has illustrated the depth of its pockets by launching a scheme for technophobic Santas.
Apparently, the rotund, avuncular chaps who spend the festive season dressing up like St Nick increasingly find today's youngsters asking for high-tech gadgetry. To help the poor chaps know their iPods from their PSPs, the chain is providing all its Santas with a training course and email helpline.
In the absence of a fleet of festive workers, it'll be yours truly donning the Santa garb at Dodgi this Christmas. I feel I'm growing into the role, though. That suit is just a little snugger every year.
Money misery
I was intrigued by the latest research from Plimsoll last week, which claims more than a quarter of the UK's top VARs are struggling to balance the books.
According to the research firm, "261 companies in the market are finishing the year in financial difficulty", (always so wonderfully precise, those Plimsoll chaps). But fear not!
Report author David Pattison says: "A number of companies have managed to improve their performance in the latest year. They are part of a band of 460 companies that prove success can still be achieved in the industry, despite difficult trading conditions."
It's not made clear how they've proved themselves. Perhaps he's talking about snaffling a 90 per cent share of the market for smoke-damaged routers in east London. Take it from me - that's a sure sign of a successful year.
Payroll perils
I'm no stranger to losing a few quid to the odd bit of employee chicanery. So I was relieved to see that even a big-name vendor such as Avaya can fall prey to the same perils.
Anthony Armatys was offered a job at the firm seven years ago at the same time Avaya was in the process of updating its HR and payroll operations.
Ultimately, he decided not to take the post, so he must have been surprised when a pay cheque arrived soon after - more so when a second followed. The oversight was finally spotted almost five years later when Armatys tried to transfer a chunk of his company pension into his personal account. In the meantime, he'd pocketed nigh on $500,000.
Crikey - these big boys don't do things by halves. I thought I'd taken a hit when that gross of Post-it notes went missing last month.
Wise women
Our Shirl's been even more ebullient than usual this week, after reading some research claiming women of a certain age are the best learners.
A study undertaken by learning guru and breakfast cereal spokesperson Dr Peter Honey claims women are more inclined to treat everyday events in their life as an opportunity to learn.
The study also claims people in their 40s and 50s are better learners than whippersnappers in their 20s and 30s.
Alas, I fear Shirl is the exception that proves the rule. After 15 years at Dodgi, she still hasn't mastered the intricacies of the vending machine.
Christmas crackers
I was shocked to learn that a typical UK employee will spend about two working days using their office PC to shop online between now and Christmas.
Figures from IT professionals' body ISACA finds so-called workers will use up an average of 14.4 hours trawling the web for festive bargains. One in 10 will spend more than 30 hours doing so.
ISACA claims that employees who shop online, oblivious to the threat of spam, phishing and viruses, "are also likely to engage in other high-risk behaviours".
Apparently, more than half bank online, two-fifths follow email links to shopping sites and 15 per cent click on social networking links.
Steady on. I've jumped out of planes and goaded heavyweight boxers. But internet banking?! Some things are too high-risk even for me.
Love game
Dave Jr often laments that the perception of gamers as pasty-faced social inadequates is wide of the mark.
This week he drew my attention to a Nintendo enthusiast who, not only has an actual girlfriend, but used his gaming nous to woo her. One night, the resourceful Romeo encouraged his beloved to dust off their Super Nintendo and enjoy a game of Super Mario World.
She began the opening level and, just as she reached a strange assembly of gold coins, her fella knelt down beside her as the screen displayed: 'Lisa... will you marry me?'
It's a sweet gesture, but I'm far from wowed. I challenge him to present his entire wedding speech using the gold rings in Sonic the Hedgehog.
Bonus boom
Despite the increasingly upbeat chat, I've been loathe to hail the end of the recession. Until now, that is, when I breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing that, after a tricky patch, City bigwigs' bonuses are set rise 50 per cent this year.
The Centre for Economics and Business Research reports that the total amount paid out to merchant bankers and the like fell from a whopping £10.2bn in 2007 to a paltry £4bn last year. Thankfully, they're set to rise to a much more respectable £6bn this year, before inching up to £7.5bn by 2012. Panic over.
I've always made a point of using a good chunk of the Dodgi board's collective bonus to pay for the staff Christmas bash. You'd be surprised how pricey McDonald's in Hornchurch is.
Score blimey
Speaking of ill-advised sales techniques, soft drinks giant PepsiCo ate a rather large slice of humble pie recently after removing a misjudged iPhone app launched to hawk its Amp energy drink.
Amp Up Before You Score offered men advice to help woo 24 kinds of women. Charming stereotypes included 'treehugger', 'foreign exchange student' and the doe-eyed, mascara-streaked 'rebound girl'. Suggested chat-up gambits included referencing the Greek alphabet and questioning the intimate grooming habits of the Mona Lisa. Lovely.
I wondered what kind of sniggering, socially inept spanner this stuff was aimed at. Then I found out my entire sales desk is testing it out on Romford High Street this Friday. Good luck fellas.
 |
 |
| HAVE YOU GOT A STORY FOR DAVE? Confidentiality is assured if requested. Send your mail to:sam.trendall@incisivemedia.com |
